While the answer to this question may seem obvious, the line between right and wrong can become blurry for those embroiled in a relationship fraught with dysfunction and normalized violence. 

In short, it is never okay for someone to hit or physically harm their partner. Domestic violence, including physical abuse, is a severe issue that should not be tolerated in any relationship. Unfortunately, according to studies by the CDC in 2010, nearly one in three women in the United States have been slapped, shoved, or pushed by a partner, with one in four reporting that they have been the victim of severe physical violence at the hands of a partner during their lifetime. While these statistics show that physical violence happens too frequently, they do not make this behavior “normal.”

What Is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used by one person in an intimate relationship to control and intimidate the other partner. This behavior can take many forms, including physical violence (such as hitting, pushing, or choking), sexual violence, emotional abuse (such as controlling, threatening, or undermining), and economic abuse (such as controlling access to resources or limiting a partner’s financial freedom). Domestic violence can occur in any intimate relationship, including marriage, cohabitation, dating, and same-sex partnerships. 

While Intimate partner violence can cause physical injuries, including bruises, cuts, and broken bones, it may escalate to death in many instances. Even if one summons the courage to break from a physically abusive relationship, there can be long-term physical consequences. A person’s physical and emotional well-being can suffer, resulting in byproducts including (but not limited to) chronic pain, anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

This pattern of behavior to control and intimidate often escalates over time, making it all the more important to recognize and break free from a relationship where it exists. What once may have been heated verbal exchanges can quickly transition into pushing or shoving and may continue into increasingly violent actions. 

Hitting or physically abusing someone is not a sign of love or affection but rather a demonstration of power and control. When someone uses physical violence against their partner, they send a message that they believe they have the right to hurt and control their partner.

While it may be followed by sincere apologies, remorse, and seemingly genuine promises never to cross this line again, all too often, this pattern persists. Abusers may also manipulate or minimize this behavior to continue the relationship and normalize their actions. While many who have been abused like to hold out hope that perhaps it was the last time or maybe things will get back to normal, all too often, the behavior continues. Without severe intervention and effort on the part of the abuser, it’s unlikely to change. Consider that even if they have promised not to do it again, you are dealing with someone who has anger management problems and relies on violence and physical intimidation to solve problems. Just by a promise, they will not suddenly be endowed with the skills necessary to navigate future encounters without slipping back into this pattern. Abusers may manipulate or minimize this behavior in an effort to continue the relationship and normalize their behavior.

How to safely leave.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, it is important to seek help as soon as possible. Resources available can help you safely leave the abusive relationship and rebuild your life. This may include contacting a local domestic violence hotline, reaching out to a trusted friend or family member, or seeking the help of a therapist or counselor.

While leaving a violent relationship can be difficult and dangerous, it’s essential to prioritize your safety. Here are five ways for you to safely leave an abusive partner.

1. Create a safety plan: Plan a safe way to leave the relationship, including where you can go, what items you need to take with you, and who you can reach out to for help.
2. Reach out for help: Contact a local domestic violence hotline or a trusted friend or family member for support and assistance in leaving the relationship.
3. Document evidence: Keep records of any incidents of violence, such as police reports, medical records, and photos or videos.
4. Seek legal protection: Consider obtaining a restraining order or seeking the assistance of a lawyer.
5. Find a safe place to stay: This can be with a friend, family member, or at a domestic violence shelter.

How to recover. 

It’s important to remember that leaving a violent relationship is not a one-time event; it may take time and support to heal fully. It is a difficult obstacle, but oftentimes that is just the first step of the journey. Recovering from domestic violence can be challenging and emotional, but there is hope for healing. Here are ten ways to start the recovery journey:

1. Reach out for help and support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist.
2. Establish a safety plan and take steps to ensure your physical protection.
3. Take care of your physical and emotional health by seeking medical attention and practicing self-care.
4. Consider seeking legal protection, such as obtaining a restraining order.
5. Challenge negative thoughts and beliefs and work to rebuild your self-esteem.
6. Surround yourself with positive and supportive people.
7. Focus on your own needs and goals, and make plans for your future.
8. Educate yourself about the dynamics of domestic violence and the warning signs of an abusive relationship.
9. Consider joining a support group for survivors of domestic violence.
10. Seek financial resources and support if needed, such as through a local organization or government agency.

Finally, here are ten resources for individuals experiencing domestic violence:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
• The National Resource Center on Domestic Violence: nrcdv.org
• WomenShelters.org: a directory of domestic violence shelters across the United States
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): rainn.org
• Loveisrespect: loveisrespect.org
• TheHotline.org: thehotline.org
• Safe Horizon: safehorizon.org
• Domestic Shelter: domesticshelters.org
• Your local police department or emergency services.